“To Be or Not to Be…that is the question.” – Shakespeare 
“The soliloquy is essentially all about life and death: “To be or not to be” means “To live or not to live.”
Source: Hannah Muniz, To Be or Not to Be: Analyzing Hamlet’s Soliloquy

Letter To Self 

I am sitting here tonight reflecting and analyzing – what am I doing? Why am I trying to change my life?  To be the new me or not to be the new me.

Since leaving my cocoon I guess I’m trying to reclaim my life.  I previously B.S. (before sickness) was trying to build some kind of legacy for myself. Then, suddenly, that plan was taken away. I had a life that had purpose and accomplishment. Being a good Mother tops the list as well as somehow making the world a better place.  Lofty goal, but I was nailing it.

Getting Back What I Lost

The past 5 years of recovery, A.S. (after sickness), I’ve been trying to get back what I lost. Would it look the same? Probably not. But I feel there is something important still for me to do. Instead of wasting anymore time thinking about it I started moving my plan ahead – I’m not getting any younger.  I want to be relevant and someone that can still make a difference.  

“Don’t look back you’re not going that way.” – Henry David Thoreau

The Past Few Months

So, for the past few months I have:

  • Invested in upgrading my website that previously housed my past life of fundraising and event planning.  
  • Transformed my website into a motivational platform to discuss my journey and success.
  • Started blogging again with a slightly different twist but still highlighting happiness, purpose and fulfillment. 
  • Begun sharing inspirational thoughts on Facebook hoping to help others struggling with their trials in life.  
  • Touched the lives of hundreds of people to this point and some responded that they were inspired. 
  • Invited all to come with me to find a life lived with passion.

So why all of a sudden am I doubting myself?

 I have charted out clearly the person I want to be again, to leave the sad dysfunctional person I was behind.

 I have spent time and money developing a brand of motivation and success. Along with this comes the responsibility to follow my own advice about not giving up on your dreams.  

Wait!! All of a sudden, I am fearful my dreams are too big? That’s It!

Right now, I have a new motorcycle sitting in my driveway that is stressing me out. Something I always wanted but now it’s staring me in the face taunting me. Now subconsciously I am hoping I will enjoy this new life I’m crafting for myself.

It’s so much easier staying where you are and doing nothing waiting for your time to expire.

There are two different entities inside me right now struggling to get out. One is kicking me in the butt to live life and the other says leave me alone I’m scared of change.

Who Am I?

B.S., I was a provocateur.  I stirred things up. Travelled paths that others said could not be done. Is that still me? Maybe I’m just living in the shadow of who I used to be. Could all this be because I’m fearful to open the door to so called old age. The way I feel right now I could be on the cusp of evolving or throwing up the white flag.

Doubtful Deb

“Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.” – David Bowie

It was a weird moment, a pause in my motivation. A scary overwhelming feeling I can’t be the person I want to be.

I recognize now this is a common problem when people open the door on a new life. It is unfamiliar and scary. When people lose weight, instead of finding happiness in the ‘new you’ they look in the mirror and see the same old fat person staring back at them. Psychologically the mind is not prepared to accept the new body yet.

There is a definite adjustment period when you emerge from that cocoon to a life that is calling you to take flight.

An Epiphany!

I remember back as a kid I loved horses and wanted nothing more than to ride them. Approaching a horse is intimidating. Someone said “they smell your fear so you need to take charge and show them who’s the boss”.

To eliminate fear, you need to take charge…. hmmm. Can I apply that to other things in my life?  

I also remember that feeling when I was taking martial arts. When it came time to break wood or bricks, I needed to look past the barrier. If I focused on the brick, I would break my hand but looking past and powering though it was like a hot knife through butter. What a powerful feeling that was!

Fear and barriers in our life can take us off course. I was feeling fear and seeing the barriers that might keep me from my dream life.

Taking Charge of Your Life is Powerful

I’m going out and mounting my new experience motorcycle, not unlike that horse. By being fearless and remembering I am in charge. This is something we can apply to anything in our life. And it’s an amazing feeling when we do!

“At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how my story is going to end.” – Tiny Buddha


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